Let’s talk about something we all encounter on our personal and business journeys: the nagging feeling of procrastination and that heavy weight of being stuck. We’ve all been there, staring at the screen, our growing to-do list, yet the motivation seems to have taken an extended vacation. But here's the secret – it’s not just about the tasks; it’s about something deeper, something we often overlook - shame.
Procrastination can be a trauma response and it’s an action taken to keep you safe. It is often the result of something more profound: toxic shame. It sneaks in, whispering stories of past failures or comparison to others, eroding our confidence, and paralysing our progress. It disguises itself as self-doubt, making us question the very essence of our worthiness whether it’s personally or in the business world.
Shame, in its essence, is a universal human emotion. It can be a healthy, natural response when we realize we’ve made a mistake or acted in a way that goes against our core values. Feeling shame can lead to self-reflection and, in healthy doses, prompt positive changes in behaviour. It becomes problematic when it is overpowering, and paralysing. Healthy shame nudges us to grow; persistent shame imprisons creating that stuckness feeling.
Toxic shame, on the other hand, is deeply ingrained and feels inescapable. It stems from a core belief of being fundamentally flawed, unlovable, or unworthy and is a trauma response. Unlike healthy shame, toxic shame isn’t about feeling remorse for specific actions; it’s about feeling fundamentally bad as a person also creating a lack of confidence in ourselves and it feels difficult to see the way forward. It often originates from early life experiences, particularly in childhood, where critical events or continuous negative messages from key influences leads an individual to internalize a deep sense of inadequacy, insignificance, and deficiency that is stored at a deep unconscious level impacting not only our nervous system but also other systems in the body.
How may you ask? As we experience an event or situation that triggers a nervous system response, it is literally like a wave of emotions and feelings in the felt sense of our body. If the wave is not able to fully pass through the felt sense and body to find completion and safety, that wave of emotion and feelings becomes trapped, creating loops as it literally has nowhere else to go. Over time, we then unconsciously adapt our patterns of behaviour in order to keep us safe. When we experience the emotion or feelings again, the loop will rise to the surface and trigger the adaptation response. The unresolved emotional dis-ease and loops, left for long enough, then present as physical symptoms to let us know that they are still present.
While healthy shame might say, "I made a mistake," toxic shame declares, "I am a mistake." Other examples of toxic shame are “I must keep my emotions hidden; expressing them makes me weak.” Or “I can’t trust anyone; people always let me down.” Those negative inner voices? They’re not your truth. They are just the adaptations. I invite you to challenge them. They are not your truth. Toxic shame can seep into every aspect of life, causing individuals to view themselves through a lens of unworthiness and inadequacy. These deep feelings of shame impact self-esteem, relationships on every level, and overall mental health. It can lead to self-destructive behaviours, self-sabotage, and a constant fear of judgment from others.
The antidote? Self-compassion to recognise, notice and feel it when it’s showing up so you can then challenge and reframe these negative self-perceptions. Everyone makes mistakes and have their own flaws that make them perfectly imperfect. It doesn’t diminish their worth as a person. Everyone, yes, even those seemingly “having it all together,” faces challenges. Failures are not reflections of your worth; they are stepping stones toward success. Treat yourself with loving kindness, especially when things don’t go as planned. Your journey is unique, filled with lessons that shape your resilience.
When you feel that shame response being activated, put your hands on your shoulders like you are giving yourself a hug or place your hands on your lower diaphragm and heart as you take some slow deep breaths in and out. As you do this, notice your body where it is placed, your legs and feet and where they sit. Be really present to the air coming in and out through your body and notice any sensations you are feeling, breathing in peace, and breathing out the ‘ick’. It’s important that you just witness it. There’s no need to judge or analyse it. Let it move through you. You could also express yourself creatively or engage in some physical activity to lift the mood. Anything that can help release endorphins will help. Whatever it is that you choose, notice what can you see, hear, feel, smell and taste while you are doing it. Go through your senses as this will ground you in the present moment.
Shame tells tales of inadequacy and empowerment rewrites the narrative. Instead of focusing on past failures, understand the triggers and adaptations come from, do the inner child work, and celebrate your growth. Healthy relationships with the self and others as well as having conscious and sustainable businesses aren’t built overnight; they’re crafted through persistence, learning, and adapting. Each step, no matter how small, is a triumph. Celebrate your victories, no matter how minor they seem. Shift your focus from what went wrong to what you’ve learned. This will build confidence and trust in yourself that you never thought possible. Confidence isn’t about never failing; it’s about embracing failures as part of your growth. With confidence, procrastination loses its grip and power, and progress becomes inevitable.
As you navigate the twists and turns of business, remember this: you are not defined by your past, but by your resilience. Procrastination might knock on your door, but it doesn’t have to be welcomed in. Recognize the whispers of shame, replace them with self-compassion, and watch how you flourish. Your potential is boundless, and your journey is uniquely yours. Embrace it, learn from it, and let your light shine.
Share your experiences in the comments as it may help others in their journey.
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